Bathing Suit Season

This year I have felt much better about myself in my bathing suits.  Mostly because I've kept off 15lbs that I lost at the beginning of the year, but also because my "fat suits" fit much better and more comfortably this year! 

As a mother I feel like it's hard to feel good about yourself, long after you've given birth.  I've always struggled with my weight since college, and to feel this pleased with myself is a new feeling to have. 

So ladies, if you're feeling down and out about your body after baby, don't give up hope. It's all about how you see yourself, and I think my whole mindset has changed overall about motherhood, and I'm cherishing it more than I ever thought I would.  Squish tells me "mommy pretty" all the time, and we all know toddlers don't lie! 😂

Remember that you can always make changes, today, tomorrow, in a week, or in a year! 

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Letting go of the FitBit & sugar

I have been an avid user of the Fitbit for the last 3 years now.  My hubs got me one for Valentine's day (no he wasn't trying to tell me something, I asked for it), and I have been solely dedicated to getting my 10K steps and exercises daily now for the past 3 years. 

However, for Lent (not catholic) I decided to give up sugar.  Any desserts, sweets, candy, or added sugar in products that I was able to read on the nutrition label.  As a sweet surprise to me (pun not intended), I've done rather well.  I have had a few "cheat" days here and there, but all in all I have not reached for that Reese's cup when I get hungry, or gotten the 500 calorie latte I normally do.  Rather I go for a good cup of coffee with just a splash of non-fat cream, and to snack on I get some fruit, cheese or yogurt (no sugar added).  I've been surprised at how well I was doing.  When I started this adventure, I was very shaky.  Physically shaking.  I thought perhaps this was because of my anxiety, but the more I think about it, I think it was because I wasn't eating sugar!  My body had become so used to and dependent on the sweet stuff, that it had a hard time letting go!

Now, you're probably thinking, Kate, what does this have to do with your fitbit divorce?  Well, let me tell you, I have lost 15 lbs since December.  7 of those pounds were due to food poisoning, but amazing enough, I was able to keep off that weight, and lose even more as I altered my diet.  I got tired of looking at my FitBit app and realizing I hadn't walked 10,000 steps, or realizing that perhaps I only walked 15 minutes today instead of 30, and it was getting disheartening.  I was beating myself up over it mentally, and feeling guilty for not pleasing my FitBit.

I went to get a physical for work, and it was then, on the doctor's scale (we all know they're off) that I saw my weight loss, and I was astounded!  I couldn't believe my eyes. And I had all my clothes on!  And I did all of this without meeting daily and weekly goals set by a tiny gadget worn on my wrist every day.  Lets be honest, they are not the most fashionable accessory, and really ruined a lot of outfits for me. 

So while FitBit encouraged me in the beginning to get moving, and helped me take off the baby weight once Marlo was born, it's time for me to let it go, and know that I can do this on my own.  I have the confidence, and capabilities to take weight off, and keep it off, without something buzzing on my arm every 10,000 steps.  I also plan on sticking to the no sugar added diet.  I think it will help my overall health, and my family's health since I won't buy any junk! 

Farewell FitBit!  It's been a great 3 years, but it's time for me to move on!  Maybe we will see one another in the future again.

Temper Tantrums, YIKES!

So, I thought the 2's were supposed to be terrible, not the 21 months!  Marlo had her first ever, full out temper tantrum last night (thankfully we were home) and for no apparent reason.  She had to go to daycare full time this week as grandpa and grandma were out of town.  I'm thinking she was exhausted, but it lasted about 30 minutes, and for no reason at all. As I was holding her after her nap, (she was calm) I sat down in a chair and she freaked out!  Wet noodle, on the floor, screaming her head off. My husband and I quickly learned that if we ignored her, the crying (pterodactyl noises) would stop.  But the moment you made eye contact with that little dinosaur, the fight was on again! 

We were planning on meeting a friend for dinner, so by the time we were about 20 minutes late, we decided to just go for it.  Elmo (me) suggested we go outside and walk around, which seemed to calm her down for about 30 seconds.  My husband fought with her to get in the car seat, but once she was strapped in, she stopped screaming and began politely talking to us like nothing ever happened....WHAT??!?! 

Maybe she realized we weren't giving in.  Maybe she realized that we had plans, and we weren't going to stop them because of her fits.  Or maybe she was exhausted (as were we) after throwing herself around for 30 minutes for no damn reason!  Once we got to dinner, she was content, happy, and running around like her normal self. She was smiling with our friend and playing peek-a-boo. 

Toddlers are bipolar!  I work in the mental health field, so I am not trying to bash anyone with bipolar, trust me, I've lived with people that have severe cases.  But holy hell what was going on in that kids mind that she had to wet noodle throw herself in a tizzy on the floor and spin around and scream for literally 30 minutes?  Has anyone ever hooked up a brain scan to a toddler during a temper tantrum?  Probably not, because they are afraid of losing a limb while trying to attach it!  Oye Vey! 

Good luck parents of this age, we all need to stick together!

PANIC Attacks!!!

Hey folks, I don't think I have a lot of followers, but I wanted to touch on something serious that happened to me this past weekend. 

On Sunday morning around 5am I woke up with a horrible migraine.  I got up, took one regular tylenol, and tried to go back to sleep.  In my futile attempt to return to my slumber, I realized, I couldn't!  It felt like I was struggling to breath, and my mind was racing.  This went on for several hours. 

I woke up my husband finally around 7am and told him what was happening.  As I paced around the house, he sat drinking his coffee trying to calm me down, and of course analyzing what was happening, which was not the most helpful thing.  He then tried to get me to sit and take deep breaths.  This seems to work for a minute, but then my throat started to feel like it was closing.  I finally announced I needed to go to the ER, I thought I was having a heart attack!

Let me tell you, the quickest way to get into the ER to be seen is to tell them you cannot breath.  I was in a room and robe in a jif!  As I sat waiting for a nurse or doctor I started to feel like my symptoms were getting worse, and my jaw started to tighten and get tingly.  Finally the ER doc made his appearance, and he politely told me I was having a panic attack.  WHAT?!  ME?  A panic attack?  How could this be?

I Immediately started crying and told my husband I "felt like an asshole".  How could this be happening to me, this is embarrassing, and worse, it made me feel like a horrible mother as my squish was there with us.  Of course not knowing how long we would be, my husband called his parents to come pick up the kiddo, which meant more people knew what was happening.  The ER took blood and did an EKG just be safe, but all came back normal.  The doctor prescribed me 1mg of Ativan, however, I was so nervous about taking medication that I asked for half of the dose, which actually worked wonders.  It did make me a bit dizzy, but I felt so much calmer and more myself again.

I didn't realize that I have been dealing with anxiety for so long after having my baby.  I knew I had some mild anxiety prior to being pregnant, but after she was born, it just escalated, and eventually turned into this panic attack.  I'm happy that I know I'm not having cardiac issues at this point, and have done a bit of research on how to control my body when it occurs again.  It's ultimately making time for myself, and managing my emotions, not bottling things up, and making sure I am expelling the built up energy I tend to have. 

Although I'm still slightly embarrassed that this happened, I am happy I am able to know what do next time it occurs, because there will be a next time.  To top everything off, I think that my anxiety is now higher that I know I have real, full blown anxiety.  I'm following up with my PCP at the end of the month.

My husband has struggled to understand and deal with my ups and downs, but he's getting the hang of it, and I am getting the hang of apologizing and making him aware of how I'm feeling each day. 

For all the mom's out there that have dealt with this, don't be embarrassed.  Talk about it, and allow yourself to understand that you will be able to heal from this, and eventually get your feelings and emotions in control. 

Strong Mom

I never knew how strong I could be until I had a child.  I never knew that in the face of danger, I could face that danger head on, and not know the fear I came in contact with until it was over.  I never knew that when my baby girl was hurting, I would have to put on a brave face, and handle the situation like a boss!

I also never knew how weak and vulnerable I could be when I became a mom.  Until recently, Marlo has been very happy and healthy.  Last week she developed an ear infection, and like any normal parent, we put her on an antibiotic.  Little did we know, Marlo would develop a severe allergic reaction to Amoxicillin, 8 days AFTER she started the antibiotic.  She woke up this morning with both eyes swollen shut, and her face so puffy that she didn't even want to eat.  I immediately started crying when I looked at her, not only because I felt badly for her, but also because there was absolutely nothing I could do to provide her relief.

My husband and I rushed her to the ER and there she was placed on steroids which are already helping.

The feeling of helplessness is something that I have never felt the way I did today.  Sobbing on my husbands shoulder and having to leave the room when they took her blood made me feel like a horrible mother, but also reminded me that I am human.

Am I the only one?

Lately I have been reading the book, "I Just Want to Pee Alone."  It is a compilation of stories mostly taken from parenting blogs.  They are put together to allow other parents to find humor in their own difficult situations when dealing with their children.  While it's extremely entertaining, I do not come across many stories that speak highly of parenthood, and it has been making me feel like I am the only one in the world that enjoys being a parent.

I recently read one story about only child parents getting the wrath of parents with multiple children because they don't think having just one child is as difficult as several.  This kind of upset me because, I only have one child as of right now, yes, but also, having one is very hard.  And don't get me wrong, I think I am the only parent in my group of friends that doesn't constantly complain about their child (yet), but that's only because I tend to focus more on the positive end of parenting rather than all the negative stuff.  As only having one child, that means that my husband and I are experiencing every first, and all the frustrations and learning how to deal with them all for the first time.  I think sometimes, parents of multiple children forget how hard that first time parent thing can be.  I'm sure having more than one is extremely difficult, (which I'm willing to try at some point), but I have also come to realize that these people never mention their partners, whether it's a husband or significant other.  Where is the support?!

My husband is a FANTASTIC father.  I could not have been more blessed with the person I chose to have children with.  Marty is extremely involved with Marlo, and loves her and I to bits.  He is able to see when I am getting frustrated, and will immediately take over and give me a break if needed.  And I do the same for him.  We always end up laughing in the end, even after Marlo has thrown a tantrum because I won't let her eat the dog food.  I understand that not everyone has a partner, but there is a point in parenthood where you have to be able to ask someone, anyone, grandparent, aunt/uncle, friend, for help.  We've all heard the saying "It takes a village", and it really does. It bugs me when all of these bloggers, and even my friends just make humor about complaining about their children.  Children are a gift.  We are so lucky to have Marlo, as we had some struggles trying to get pregnant, and I know other friends that have struggled as well.

I guess what I am trying to say is that parents needs to focus on the positives and the beauty of their children, regardless of what they broke that week, or the picture they drew on the wall.  Quit complaining about being a parent and embrace it.  And if you can't ask for help, that's your fault.  I learned a long time ago, I cannot tackle everything on my own, especially my kid.  So when I'm getting stressed or overwhelmed I ask for help.  I'm not a religious person, but, love and cherish that child, because before you know they will be grown up and on their own.

Sorry about my rant!

The Working Mom

I always get the lecture from certain people in my life who feel that I should stay at home every waking moment with my daughter.  Not only does this make me feel bad anytime I make time for myself, but it also makes me think how crazy we both would go if I did such a thing. Everyone needs a break from one another, and work is my outlet, my adult time, and Marlo's time with her grandparents and other kids at daycare.

I work as a school counselor in an alternative school setting, and yes, some days are very challenging, but a lot of them are also rewarding.  The benefit of working with "at risk" youth certainly outweighs the downsides.  A lot of the times we have unsuccessful students who end up getting placed within a group home, or dropping out of school.  But, there is always that one success story throughout the year that really makes it all worth it.  If we get more than 1 a year, that's an added bonus!

I recently read an article that stated working mother's (and father's), tend to work on average between parenthood and their normal 8 hour work day, 86 hours plus a week!  No wonder I am exhausted at the end of every day!  I used to think something was wrong with me once I got home and just wanted to nap after work!  Now I know why I am so tired.  I typically tell people, working with teenagers is like being in Washington D.C. traffic for 8 hours.  You must constantly be aware of what is going on around you.  It may not be physically exhausting, but mentally for sure.  Once I am done with work, I try to come home and decompress.  But now that I have a toddler, decompressing is difficult to do at times.

Last year, after I begrudgingly returned to work after my maternity leave with the voices of those SAHM ideas in my head, I was pleasantly greeted by an old student who successfully graduated high school, got a job, and is thinking of becoming a police officer after they complete their time within the Coast Guard.  When that student arrived and shared their success with me thus far, it really made me take a step back and recognize that although I may not help every single student I come in contact with, I always help at least one.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying working mom's are better than stay at home mom's. SAHM have just as much of a job as an outside working mom, if not more.  I give them all credit for entertaining their little one's all day, and enriching their minds so that they grow up to be successful human beings among society, as I try to do at my job with teenagers at school that have lost those skills somewhere along the way.

Whether you're a working parents, or a SAHM, I tip my hat to you.  I have just recognized the SAHM gig is not for me, and I am happy that I no longer fret over whether I am doing the right thing for my family and myself.  Mommy needs adult time, and if that includes a paycheck for 8 hours of my day, I'm cool with that!

I survived!

Any moms out there terrified when it comes to the thought of your husband leaving you alone with the child for a weekend?  Well, I was, but it went surprisingly well!

Marty left to go camping last weekend for basically 3 days.  I was so scared that something was going to go wrong while he was away I had myself in a tizzy!  Eventually, after the first 24 hours, I realized that I am a great mom, and I just kept Marlo and me busy while he was away.  She was actually great, and very well behaved, and I don't think she even cried once!

We went shopping, went out to eat, and even went to the pool.  During our shopping excursions I made the mistake of buying an electronic toy that now repeats on the daily, "the cat says..." because Marlo only has interest in pushing the buttons, not hearing what it has to say.  I immediately regretted the purchase as soon as I took it out of the box, but luckily there is an on/off button. Phew!

I did take Marlo to grandma and grandpa's the one afternoon in order to get some much needed house cleaning caught up, and get myself a shower, but other than that we had a great couple of days together. Not that I don't love all that my hubs does for us, trust me I do!  But while he was away, it was amazing how clean the house stayed, even with a 1-year old in it!  It was also awesome to tell him all of the new things she had learned or acquired in just those few days.  Children really are sponges and do learn something new almost every minute it seems.

So for you moms out there that are worried about the first time you're home alone with your little one while your hubby or significant other is gone for a few days, don't sweat it, you got this!

Commitment

While I have not blogged in almost a year, I am now committed to making this a weekly if not several times a week thing.  One of my good friends from high school recently started her own blog, and I realized how therapeutic this used to be for me.

Marlo is now 13 months old!  Where did the time go?!  I now know why parents say time goes by so quickly, so try and enjoy every single moment.  I try to snuggle with my little squish at least once a day, and I also try and observe her and watch her learn at least once a day.  It is amazing the amount of knowledge and skill she is gaining every day!

At times I second guess whether my husband and I are helping her get the best of the best as far as education, even though she's only 1 year old, I know her brain is like a sponge right now.  I read all kinds of blogs and parenting tips in order to make sure she is getting what she can.  Then I realize, as long as we love, care and support her, she will learn as much as she needs to, at her own pace.

IT IS AMAZING the amount of love my hubs and I have for this little girl.  I often find myself putting myself in positions I never would have before in order to protect her.  Mama Bear coming through!  I've even taken a basic gun safety course, and I'm signed up for an additional class to carry conceal safely.  We travel and do a lot of things in our community and sadly, in today's world you never know!

Welcome to my journey with my now toddler....I promise I will keep blogging!